viisceralI just spent the last 43minutes staring into the mirror not recognizing who was staring back at me.
when did my image slip away? and how did I not notice?
can I get it back? do I WANT it back? or have I shed my skin of past events and stepped into a new light for the future?
I’m so conflicted.
I don’t know.
I don’t know where else to go with this. I feel like I have no one to turn to. no one who truely cares…. no one who will throw out more than a “oh, that sucks”.
shits so wrong right now. ended a 4 1/2 year relationship. totalled my car on my way home from making my last car payment. back in the hospital because my crohn’s is doing really really badly.
the father of my child refuses to help with him. I’m SO sick right now and ended up back in the hospital from over working myself, over stressing myself, and getting no sleep. because Kenny wants to go live his life and refuses to help provide for his son.
well, fine. whatever, kenneth. go have fun living life with herpes. ill be here, with a disease I didn’t choose to get just because I was horny, trying my damnedest to keep it together for the sake of the kids.
…anyway. didn’t even mean to talk about all of that. but it is a big stress right now, I guess. and I can already tell this post isn’t going to have any intelligable form to it.
I’m so…tired. I’m so done with everything. I can’t be sick anymore…I can’t keep working this horrid job….I can’t keep pretending to be this strong person.
all I want to do is curl up in bed and cry. I don’t want to be this shell of a person anymore. I want to be ME. I want to be happy and silly and rediculous….I want to play with my kids and bike ride with them and run around with them… I want to go to work and not take multiple breaks constantly because I burst into tears from all the pain and all the stress….
and then there’s a boy. sometimes I feel like I need to cut things off with him, but then other times I don’t know what id do without him.
I don’t know what we are, but I want more. I want to be able to show him all the adoration and affection in the world, but if I do that now, I’ll be crossing some unspoken boundry.
he says we both have way too much shit going on. which is true. but isn’t that the point of having a significant other? to hold hands and help walk eachother through the bad times?
I don’t know, but I can’t do anymore nights like tonight. hoping for surprises. who does that? and I’m sitting here depressed and crying again because it didn’t happen.
I’m in the hospital, 2 hours away from home. he got out of work 3 1/2 hours early and doesn’t go back in to work until 7pm tomorrow (Monday)….was hoping against hope that he’d hop in his car and come see me, maybe sleep over and stay some of the day with me, then have plenty of time to get back and ready for work.
nope. I’m still here. alone.
alone.
in pain.
story of my life.
ugh. I have so much more id love to complain about but I can’t sit here and dwell on this right now. I need to watch a movie or something. I’m so fucking jgfghjhfghjhfgh right now that I can’t stand it.
ive been void of any personality…void of doing anything that defines who i am. ive been a depressing shell of a person. i miss ME. i dont even know who *i* am at this point.
i want to be a better person. but in order to do so, i must be happy. and i cant be happy laying around living vicariously through all the shows i watch.
